Your Gay Monthly Horoscope

March 21 – April 19

If the first two weeks of the month seem like the black hole from hell, well
maybe your life finally caught up with you. Breath deeply and relax. In, out.
Again, in, out. Remember? That’s what you told your last trick. Well, what goes
around comes around, or what goes in goes out, or comes, or has an email address
which doesn’t work. Much like your life, methinks. Look for cosmic friends who
have more fluffed cotton between their ears than brains. They’ll make more sense
than your life, and when you learn to put something in your mouth more
interesting than a fence post or a spanner, you’ll be making progress.

April 20 – May 20

Here’s the real scoop for this month, Taurus. You’ve got a Solar Eclipse in
your 12th house of karma, and a Lunar Eclipse in your 7th house of
relationships, and you expect your lover to be reasonable? Just who the hell are
you kidding, buster? It really is your fault, from stem to stern, and all ports
and points inbetween. Like wake up and smell the coffee, the biscuits, and maybe
the garbage you need to take out and throw away. Remember how you explained to
your dearest beloved how carefully you compost last year’s dead leaves to start
your garden in the spring? Well, the same applies to your attitude toward your
lover. Start digging, honey.
May 21 – June 20

When do I get permission to start giggling? Aw heck, I’m gonna giggle anyway.
I mean, like really, you carrying on with your friends this month is much like
watching a tribe of monkeys in the zoo crawl all over each other and a new
delivery of fresh bananas. Lots of chatter, and plenty of things for your hands
to play with, and occasionally even eat. Yummy, yummy. Now the coolest monkey
playing there comes from another zoo and has difficulty swinging from a tree,
but then you could swing with this one somewhere else. But forget the zookeeper,
dear. This isn’t the month for that. The zookeeper has a thing for the gorillas.
Be grateful you ain’t locked in that cage.
June 21 – July 22

Take a deep breath and relax this month. I know your career is the pits, but
the first two weeks of April is not the time to do anything about it. Maybe
update your resume and seduce that cute headhunter who’s been phoning you for
the last two months, but I don’t actually mean doing anything about your career.
For once, dear Cancer, it’s okay to whine to the mountain tops, because there
really isn’t a darn thing you can do, at least until the second half of the
month, and then surprise, try a different tack on life. Dream a big dream about
how much money you could make doing something totally different. Somewhere in
that dream is the thread to follow to your new career. Do you have the courage
to follow it? Or are you going to follow your crotch again?
July 23 – August 22

I’m going to walk you through this very slowly, Leo, because this is a new
concept and it borders on heresy for your Leonine nature. You’ve got a lover,
right? Now said lover, if properly trained, gets down on both knees daily, to .
. . um . . . worship you, right? Which makes said lover a loyal subject of your
pelvic realm, right? Ahem, if I may, Your Majesty. You’ve missed the boat,
missed the point, and missed the bullseye to boot. There is something different
to explore here. This well trained servant, whom you have raised from the dregs
of plebeian mediocrity to your illustrious household, is also, (roll the drums
please) your friend. And not only that, has something very spiritual to say to
you, and here’s the catch: outside the bedroom! (Hint: reread this at least
three times. It might sink in.)
August 23 – Sept. 22

Keep the cameras rolling, people. Our dear Little Missy is filming Episode
Three of þUgly Slumming for Fun and Profitþ in the slimiest scum hole this side
of Liverpool, or maybe Manchester, we’re not sure which. Anyway, even the sewer
rats are wearing plastic gloves and surgical masks for this one. Two high tech
mobile STD clinics are included in the film crew, so you know Little Missy is
having the time of her life, however brief it might be, given the indulgences
she is pursuing. Of course after the filming, she’ll be seeing a priest for a
few indulgences too, but then what are defrocked priests for anyway? Grab your
nose plugs. Lights! Cameras! Action! (I want a copy of the director’s cut — or
maybe the director’s uncut.)
Sept. 23 – Oct. 22

Heave a wise sigh, the kind of sigh that only world-weary Librans can muster
when they know they’ve just seen it all. (And it weren’t pretty.) Heave another
sigh. Your lover really is that bad. This is worse than tripping over a low hem
line. Yes, there are some unwashed cement heads who really do need to be
banished to the world of trailer parks with plastic dishware. Oh, sorry, I
forgot your mailing address. You’re already living there. Well make the best of
a bad situation. Put some plastic roses in a plastic flower pot. Tidy up the
formica table with the fake wood grain print. Put some lyin’, cheatin’, and
hurtin’ country music in the old 8-track, and then go to the trailer park’s
polka party. It’s one of those months, Libra, so just heave a deep sigh.
Oct. 23 – Nov. 21

Remember those blood test the doctor did awhile back? The ones whose results
your kindly MD couldn’t figure out? Well, guess what? The leading experts from
five continents of medical geniuses can’t figure them out either. So what do we
conclude? You are either the healthiest (and luckiest) s.o.b. in the world, or
you have just contracted fifteen new diseases so communicable that Typhoid Mary
looks like a nun. Problem is, with your track record, it’s a little unclear
which option we need to look at. I’d favour flipping a coin, but I’m not sure
what you’d do if any more tails came up. I’m even less sure what you’d do if
heads came, up or otherwise. But I’ll keep a camera handy to take pictures just
in case.

Nov. 22 – Dec.

Well, I could laugh, or I could cry, or maybe I could even shake my head in
wonderment. But whichever it is, you’re gonna have a month. The first half of
the month is like you stepped into a dimensional gap and got swallowed up by
your desires, however twisted. So thoroughly twisted that a boy scout couldn’t
untie the knots you’ll be tied into. Of course, you might just be enjoying the
knots so much you tell the kid to get lost. So much for his good deed of the
day. On the other hand, oh darn, that hand’s tied down, too, is it? Well, not to
worry, you untangle yourself by the end of the month, but don’t stick around the
so-called friend who untangles you, especially if this new friend invites you
over to the “ultimate playroom.” Don’t go there.
Dec. 22 – Jan. 19

The reason the Universe is constantly whacking Capricorns over the head with
a Cosmic two-by-four is to get Capricorn’s attention. Take this month for
instance. Here we have our hard-working, diligent, focussed Capricorn busting
the planet to make the next giga-fortune. Now guess who’s not paying attention
to home? That’s right. Two points, m’friend. Our dear Capricorn arrives home one
day, and all hell and fury has broken loose. What once might have been a kind
and wonderful lover, is now the unholy satanic bitch from hell, filled with
enough venom and anger to make a rattlesnake slither off in terror. So how did
our beloved Capricorn miss this one? Miss Valentine’s Day one month and miss a
birthday the next, and pay, pay, pay, m’dear. You earned this one. In spades,
hearts, and notrump.
Jan. 20 – Feb. 18

You might actually enjoy this, Aquarius, given your taste for the weird.
Correction, given your taste for the totally weird and unexplainable. Imagine
standing in your usual bar, or unusual as the case may be. You’re chatting up
this absolutely scrumptious little number whom no one has ever seen before, and
all of a sudden the scrumptious little number disappears in a cloud of smoke and
is replaced by the ugliest troll on the planet who is delivering a monologue on
the existential counterpoints of Shakespeare’s evenþnumbered sonnets. There is a
warning here, my very good friend. It’s all in your mind. Neither the
scrumptious little number nor the ugly troll really exist. But do be more
careful about the drugs you do. Standing alone in a bar talking to yourself
rather frightens people, you know.
Feb 19 – March 20

You will make it through the first weeks of the month. That’s a promise. You
can take it to the bank. Which is likely a good idea, after you get your bank
statement and go into a full screaming panic. Take a cold shower first. Banks do
make mistakes. But so do you. And when you both make mistakes at the same time,
well, read your bank statement to see what happens. Look, even if you ever did
have the money, you would not be putting it in the Cayman Islands, right? Oh,
wrong. You were there? Last winter? Just a holiday, I hope. Ah yes, the beaches
were nice, the cruising was whatever, and of course I understand about the cute
bartender, of course I understand. However, understand that you will have to
discreetly explain that one to your bank manager. Good luck.